Anastasia "cuddly lion pit" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 am
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 amic inbox.
ANASTASIA
Hello. Call me Anya. (･ω´-ゞ)^☆
VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 am
no subject
I... Yukine, I—
[Her voice raises a pitch in her distress, in her inability to give him what he deserves and what he wants. Just barely catching herself, she lowers the volume of her voice even as she has to tell the truth. She has to tell the truth. She has to tell him.]
Cожалею—
[Sorry. The word comes out in Russian before she can stop it, though she winces and bites her tongue a moment after. The words blend together but, god can't she at least get it together enough to let him down in a language he understands?]
S-Sorry.
I—I cannot...
[There's more that she wants to tell him: You should be with someone who cherishes you even more than I do. You should be with someone who thinks you're perfect for them. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.
But just like so many other times, she can't find the words.]
1/2
( that's all he can manage to say. it feels like his ribcage is collapsing in his chest, bones shattering like glass against the force of an imaginary punch. he can hardly breathe, struggling just to keep his composure as he watches anya's reaction unfold. he doesn't want to cry, he doesn't want to make her feel any worse than he already had, and he doesn't. . . he just doesn't want this to escalate.
he's an idiot.
a stupid, stupid idiot. what made him even dare to think that anya would like him? why did he think he was special? and what? he dragged her out her to listen to him spill his guts like an asshole?
god! how stupid can one person be?
anya's reaction hurts. the way she drops her shoulders, the way her face pinches, and the way she can barely articulate her answer. it hurts worse than any punch ever has and he's so sorry. sorrier than he's ever been in his life. what a hideous mistake all of this had been. tears prick at the corners of his eyes, hot and wet, as he pushes down as much of his feelings as he can. )
I—
( he tries, quickly flicking his gaze away from her and somewhere just over her shoulder. if he doesn't look at her directly, it'll be easier or so he thinks. )
I understand.
no subject
right now, it's the only thing keeping him from crying. )
Okay. I-I just need to go. Home.
( it's hard enough to keep talking. his voice cracks, obviously strained, but he can't just run. she doesn't deserve that. she didn't deserve any of this.
so he tries to smile. small and brokenly, but he tries all the same. )
I'm sorry.
/2
[As if she plans to give chase if he ends up running (again), she takes a step forward to find her voice.]
Подожди минутку - just... just a little. Please, I...
[Half a year ago, Anya lost her words. She can remember waking up without them, no longer able to communicate her feelings in the exact words that she wanted, having to rely on slips of Russian and hiding behind simple text messages to cover how hopeless she felt. In the time since then, she thought she'd gotten better - she'd been able to figure out ways around to still tell people what she wanted to say, even if it was clumsy.
Here, she can't afford to be clumsy. She can't be selfish and blame it on a language barrier. What use is trying to get better if she can't do anything for Yukine when his face looks like that?
(And it's unfortunate - that she knows the feeling. It's a fresh wound, the feeling of confessing to someone that you like them - out of everyone in this whole city, you picked them - and then receiving an answer that isn't a resounding, certain, absolute yes! But Anya and Yukine are different. Anya never bothered to hope that someone would like her back.
That anyone would like her at all.)]
I... I am scared because I do not want to make it hurt more.
[Too honest, too sincere even when she feels the ground crumbling beneath her feet, even as she desperately reaches for traction - if she could just keep her friend from feeling the same way she felt.]
But I - Yukine is... It is not because... Yukine is not good enough, if - if you are thinking that? [She winces again, stumbling over her words so uncertainly.] Нет. No. I do not want Yukine to... feel that way.
no subject
[I wish I could be what you want me to be.
So much for an idol being someone to make people's dreams come true.
She shakes her head and bites her tongue, forcing out a different set of thoughts entirely.]
K-Koushuu or Chiyo - even Eijun... Please - do not be alone? Please...
[Anya will always be okay - she's Anya. That's her job. Worrying just also so happens to be in her nature and - it scares her, to think of Yukine being left alone to handle a rejection. She just knows better, knows well enough that she can't be the one to hold his hand through this one.]
no subject
( only as much as a syllable is managed before yukine clamps his mouth resolutely shut. there is nothing he should say. he has said enough, done enough damage, caused enough problems, and he knows better than to try to open his mouth. especially now when his feelings are a mess and he has no idea what he might say. he could say anything. anything could fall out of him and he could be so much sorrier than he already is.
no, instead, he lets out a shaky breath.
anya has been talking to him, offering words that only feel hollow, and he doesn't want to hear it. not now and maybe not ever. he doesn't want to he's good enough by the person he's not good enough for! it's so frustrating! it's too much. it's not even the good kind of "too much". still, he tries to pretend like he's listening and he hears her because he thinks that maybe this will be easier.
maybe, maybe, maybe. )
Okay. I'll see you later.
( that's all he has to say, all he can trust himself to say.
then he's leaving. walking away as briskly as his legs will take him. )