constellates | ic inbox.

( he snorts, rolling his eyes; she's not wrong, and he knows it, so he lets the comment pass without refuting it in the first place. this isn't his forte, and he doesn't want to talk about this so much as show. it's easier that way.

words make everything difficult.

still, her comment earns his attention, green eyes focused on her instead of a nebulous point on the ice; the glint of light off diamond cut inserts in another man's costume. the zamboni is driving toward its exit anyway. it's about time. )

No maybe's. The pageant... aim higher than things like that. It's a one off. Find the way to pursue that feeling on stage.

( not that he understands her specific feeling. he doesn't need to in order to support it; he frowns now, reaching up to unzip his jacket, tossing it over teh side of the boards lining the rink. he pulls gloves out of his coat pocket, sliding them on his hands. he taps on his phone, handing it over to Anya. the song's self evident; it doesn't matter. it's not about the song. )

There's something I haven't been able to get out of my head. I... ( he frowns, looking uncertain for a moment. there are levels to this that he registers as being embarrassing, but only in the moments before he's moving on ice. it's such a similar feeling to being on stage he's almost alarmed. Retrospec is screwing with all their heads. he hasn't talked about what it's been doing to him, because how can it matter?

it's this. he looks up, eyes flashing with an inner fire. the same determination he meets everything with, tinged with something of his own fire; an anger at himself, an anger at others, and the desire underneath it all to prove to someone, to himself, to the world, that he can surprise them. (what an odd sort of thought.) )

Watch me, please. And hit play on that thing; it's not the right music, but it gives an idea.

( he stands at the edge of the rink staring out onto the blinding white of the ice. he doesn't look back to Anya. he simply waits until he hears the music begin, skating forward to the center of the rink. he'll be lucky to have the next few minutes to himself; his mind is already speeding ahead, a series of repeated words and calculations and admissions of what it is he can handle.

he skates Eros in a way like and unlike Yuuri had skated it in his dream; in his memory? throws a hint of a smirk as he cocks his head and moves his arms, the invitation that's a flirtation that moves through him, the kind of overture Yuri doesn't make off the ice. only here, he knows what he's presenting; he knows a show, and on his own, he can flow through this role and wear it as a second skin for a while.

Eros is a seduction. what may have fascinated him the most in the dream-memory that he couldn't get out of his head was Yuuri's movements; the elements of ballet that Yuri recognised on a gut level. the fluidity and grace to each shift in weight, the crossover of skates, the positions held. it was the allure in Yuuri's step sequences, the ones that made him so hard to turn away from, to deny. Yuri is not a perfect imitator, and he doesn't try to be. he burns hotter, and he carries a more daring edge to his "seduction;" it's not a promise for gentle love, but for a consuming one. impatient. demanding.

one that knows it will potentially be so consuming it burns itself right out, having cannibalised itself simply to burn so bright.

it's every spin and the jumps he's been practicing; it's an exhaustion that sets in because his warm up earlier isn't enough for this now; it's the change to how he moves, how he looks, that takes this from Yuri skating on the ice to Yuri skating on the ice to a borrowed song, moving through his own realisation of carnal love. it is want, and it is desire: but it's a demand, in that flirtation; Yuri can't play coy, doesn't know how to, wouldn't try.

if you think you can keep up with me, chase. and when you catch up, I'll eat you alive, and leave you wanting more. which is the ultimate point, as he ends on a hazier note, tossing away the same love he's invited in on himself. an ending while the music rolls onward, Yuri standing on the ice, left leg bent, hip cocked, arms raised and around himself like a partial embrace. he's breathing hard, colour high in his cheeks, squarely facing Anya.

... he doesn't know what to say right away, but he's... excited? he nailed his jumps, though he had to switch out one quad for another salchow, and he feels like if he can get around to remembering all the nuances of the points system he'll know better to lambast himself for that, but he'd still kept up with the stamina that leaves him feeling weak kneed right now, skating toward Anya. eyes bright, cheeks flushed, he slides to a stop and grins, exultant. )

Did you see that?

( because while it hasn't exactly helped him resolve the complicated things he's feeling in Yuuri Katsuki's general direction, for a moment it feels like it's all in his control. it's all containing and redirecting urges he's not needed to deal with in his life until now, and making them palatable.

... by a seductive short program skate, but there's no where to do this, and no one to impress. so he's refined it because it makes him feel better. not right; no, not close to right. just better. )

[Anya could've been able to figure out that Yuri was going to skate by the time he was lacing them up - but there's a difference between the type of skating she's seen at this rink before, something casual and fun often marked by held hands and awkward footwork, and well - this.

She ends up perched on the barrier between the ice and the regular walkway next to where Yuri had discarded his jacket, opting for asking for forgiveness rather than permission as always as she does as he asked and plays the song.

It's safe to say that for the next however many minutes, she's nothing short of enraptured.

Even though it begins with fondness, even with the smirk and cock of his head thrown her way, it's with every gesture, every glide, spin, jump that she finds her fingers pressing against the barrier that she's seated on and she leans forward as if that'll bring her any closer to the performance. Her heart had been racing just hours ago as she'd been on a stage, the one to be watched and picked apart - but now she finds herself resting a hand over her hummingbird heartbeat as a willing captivated audience.

Anya loves art. She's spent hours walking the city looking for performances just to appreciate it - but this time it's been brought right to her and the feeling in her veins can only be called excitement.

There's a very clear moment when he's done and skating back toward her that she definitely is considering the merits of just running out onto the ice to meet him halfway, half ready to take off from her front row seat. The second she finds her voice, she's just going:]

Awe-inspiring! Masterful! Breath-taking....! Yuratchka, how long have you been able to do that - any of that? Ah - [She gives him a shining smile as she trades the hand over her heart for reaching out to him instead, hands offered in that way that Anya wants to keep the people she likes close always.] I couldn't look away. My heart was going so fast - that was perfect!! It's - I...

[It takes her a moment to realize that excited as she was, she started to chatter away in Russian immediately. So she pauses, giggles, and adds in back in English:]

Amazing...! You are amazing!

( he listens to her babbling in Russian, blinking and keeping up with his own ease; he hasn't said it, but it's actually been nice having someone else to converse with in Russian next to his grandpa. it's a background thought, but enough of one in wanting that connection that when she reaches out with her hands, he takes them, then tugs forward and catches her up in a hug, laughing.

no, he doesn't feel great about the reasons behind why he can do any of this. what feels good is a clean skate; challenging himself to performing and being able to pull through. he speaks in Russian, eschewing English for the time being. )

I am! I know!

( but the fact he's laughing instead of posturing when he says it makes is slightly less about ego and more about acknowledgement. especially when he confesses: )

I hate it. I love it, and I hate it.

( he sets Anya down, smile dimmed, eyes more serious even as the thrill of pulling that off courses through him. he's been practicing as he can, and it's nowhere near polished, and he knows that too, and he doesn't quite mind. what, it's not like he's going to start up with a figure skating career out of nowhere. still. )

It's like the memories. It came back to me when Aleksi was making me learn how to skate a few weeks ago. Then the dreams... it's annoying, you know? I hate it. I can't get them out of my head, and they show me things like this, and it's not useful or weird like what Dave deals with, but it's... this! Figure skating.

( is this the first time he's looked like he's pouting? probably not, but it's a cross between consternation and a pout. )

What's the point in remembering something I'm good at if it's part of a life that has nothing to do with the one I'm living now? Geez... so annoying.

[oops there goes her little seat - and answers her question about whether or not it's okay for her to go on the ice in regular shoes even as he sets her down and she's still giggling to mirror his joy. her arms stay looped around his neck from where they'd naturally fallen for the hug for the time being. there's way too much mutual excitement as she's still feeling a secondhand rush just from being able to see one of the people so important to her so happy, coupled along with a fantastic show. maybe she'll have to start looking into watching more ice skating now?

Except when his expression dims a little bit and he ends up dangerously close to pouting territory and then she'll pull back one arm just so that she can reach up to poke his cheek with one probably too cold fingertip since only one of them has gloves here.

she'll pull back in the next second though even as she gives him a smile]

Why can't you just accept that you're amazing at one more thing and be happy about it? Some people don't get any talents at all - and you have two? Maybe more even, if you choose to apply yourself. Or you'll just keep being one of the best at your two. That's lucky!

Yuratchka is so hard to please....

[Though it's well-meaning as a smile plays on her lips even as she shakes her head.]

You look happy. Isn't that wonderful? That feeling.... Mm. I do not know it in Russian either, but in Japanese it is - doki doki? [She lays one hand over her own heart before reaching out to tap on his chest over where his is.] One more thing to make Yuratchka doki doki. An impressive thing!

( he puffs out his cheeks a little as he's poked, canting his head to the side and repeating after her: )

Doki doki?

( onomatopoeia? no, she says its a feeling, and he thinks he has a general idea of what she means. it's what he feels when he's dancing at the top of his game; it's what he feels on the ice, even as that makes no sense at all. nothing he's dreamed, or hallucinoremembered, has touched on him skating, but he clearly cares about the sport.

and getting caught up in what the Yuuri in his mind had turned this into...

he snorts, then laughs, shaking his head. )

I'm getting lectured about not being thankful, is that it? Fine, all right, I'm thankful, and I do enjoy the... doki doki. Most the time it's just anger.

( he.................................... is mostly fueled by anger. it's easier for him to maintain, and it was that sort of angry defiance that he'd been feeling today before he relaxed into it. there's no one to perform for other than the guy watching the cameras and Anya. )

I'm hard to please because I'm not at the top yet, Nastenka. I won't slack off just because something feels good. I don't know, maybe I can figure out the whole doki doki thing along the way. It's kind of nice.

( he can admit. it's been a long time since he remembered how it's nice to be able to enjoy what he's doing for the sake of the dance; the program; the movement. loved what he's involved in simply because it is something that he loves. it lets him forget about Yuuri and his mixed feelings toward the older man; it lets him smile more easily now, fond in the moment of both his company and... enjoying what he's just skated.

even if it was quite literally about the kind of love he knows nothing about himself. that almost doesn't matter. (after all, he's not out to seduce anyone here.) )

Even if I won't stop driving myself once I make it to the top.

You'd never slack off for anything...

[Just to point that out, not that she thinks it's a bad thing. Even so, she'll reach out to hold onto his hands with hers, squeezing his reassuringly even as she gives him a bright and unabashed smile. Clearly she doesn't think that it's a bad thing. Especially given this new turn that brings him just a little bit away from his competitive spite.]

But that's why you're so good at what you do. I just think that you don't need to worry about figure skating being relevant to you or not if it's something that makes you feel this way.

Doki doki looks good on you too, you know.

So if you got a taste of it with this, isn't that already something good to know? Something worth learning... and just something else to add to your set of skills on your way to the top. Just one more thing to learn and master for Yuratchka, right?

[Encouragement, Anya's usual, mixed with just a little bit of challenge that'll hopefully be able to resonate with Yuri enough that he doesn't worry too much about a past life's skills (if that's what they are) being brought into this one.

Maybe she just doesn't want him to overthink it too much. The look of natural excitement was much better in her opinion.]

( he worries, naturally and by tendency, though for the most part he keeps it internal. Anya's seeing part of what he externalises, and he admits, it does sound like it's less of what he should worry about when she says it out loud. this won't be a distraction.

he can actually just enjoy himself. that's allowed.

his shoulders relax and he smiles, unfettered, squeezing her hands. )

Right.

( though he thinks doki doki is a bit silly, it's still a word for what he doesn't have for himself. and if this is doki doki? it doesn't feel half bad. )

Does that mean you'll come watch again?

( no, he doesn't need it to be competitive, but he does... deep down he does need it to be validated. just like he remembers to validate others when their efforts are producing results.

especially when he's uncertain about the place this came out of. )

[it's definitely doki doki.

... at least until someone brings up the idea of agape - but that's for later.

for right now she blinks in surprise at his question, canting her head to the side in sincere confusion as if it never occurred to her for even a second that she could possibly miss it the chance to watch him skate again after tonight. really, does he have no faith in her?

instead of questioning that out loud, she just settles for giggling as she holds onto his hands, making a promise that she hopes will cover just how much she wants to support yuri in this:]

Even the stars couldn't keep me away!

[if he's looking for validation and support, well. there it is. he's always been there for her and if this is one of the few things that he asks in return, then she'll give everything she's got]

You have to show me every new thing you can do, okay? I want to see all of it.

( the only person who has gone out of their way to watch everything Yuri does is his grandpa. this might explain some at home practice in his living room, and why it's kept so spartan. he dances for his grandfather even now, but ice skating, something he can't remember pushing for, fighting for, bleeding for (though now he's hit blisters and the like and he's getting used to the different yet similar aches and pains this brings on top of what dance has taught him to endure), that he does for no one. not even his job, though that is likely to change if he can negotiate a raise.

look.

you take what you can get.

though what she says is appropriately dramatic enough he laughs, knowing he's flushing in pleasure instead of embarrassment or anything else. she's so Extra. )

Unless it's a once in a century meteorological event. Then you better go to the stars first, okay? Friend mandate. I'll be very mad if you're here instead.

( half a lie. he'd love it. he's a selfish enough person to want to think he's that important to anyone else, but in the end, the only person he knows cares that much beyond a shadow of a doubt is his grandfather. and his grandfather will never be able to make it to everything he does.

but Dave and Anya are a support network he has more faith in now than he had months ago, so he believes Anya more than he might have otherwise. so he doesn't say he doubts it or that he believes it. he simply lets it be. )

Everything? ( he arches his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side. ) Gee, Nastenka, now you're just sounding greedy.

( teasing with half a smirk; he knows what she means, and he's a long way from minding. )

[she's just going to keep being Extra.

which is why even as he teases her, she doesn't even hesitate. she can tell that he's happy, it reads all over his expression, and as such it's hard for her to feel anything less besides absolutely delighted to mirror his feelings. so she giggles even as she chirps back confidently:]

Mm, you're right! But I do not ask for a lot, I think? [debatably. she asks for more from her friends but she's such a Go with the Flow kind of person that she doesn't bother to make requests] So if there is something that I can ask for, it's this.

I want to see everything that Yuratchka can do. No matter what, even if the sky is doing something rare.

[and she tilts her head up toward him since his skates do give him that over her. she squeezes his hands just once more as she makes a point just to be defiant - stubborn and steadfastly supportive over her friends always]

And then after I watch you skate, even if it's a once in a century meteorological event, we can go and watch it together.
Friend mandate!

( he laughs; it's what he likes hearing, and he admits that to himself right now. but it's unreasonable, and that he also admits. though he doesn't hesitate to throw his arms around Anya in a purely affectionate gesture; she gets bearhugged up off the ice. for once it's not a return gesture for what kind of reassurance she seems to need. it's pure, spontaneous affection on his own account. )

Thanks for saying so.

( he sets her back down, though he's planning to take hold of her shoulders to keep talking — )

[this just in, yuri confirmed to manhandle anya the most out of anyone, now including actual affectionate gestures (though maybe he's tied with yato there specifically). either way she's not expecting it as she emits a briefly surprised noise even as she throws her arms around him in return naturally for support -

and she's giggling even as she actually gives him a proper hug back once she gets with the program.

happy yuratchka is just so gosh darn cute.

and then she's getting set back down. y'know. on the ice. and she thinks she's got it, she really does, but wearing normal people shoes on the ice really isn't supposed to be a thing (and that zamboni worked really hard, you know) which is why she's going to make another surprised noise as her normally fantastic sense of balance fails her in the face of slipperiness and she's going to fall right into yuri, clinging onto him yet again]

Ah!

[sorry you were saying]

( he braces and catches her even if it has him sliding back a few centimetres, keeping her close because he needs to watch his balance lest they both end up on their arses on the ice. )

Watch it!

( this draws his eyes down, head tipping to the side as he really... considers what the heck's on her feet. )

Nastenka, does it ever occur to you to wear anything other than heels? Especially on ice?

( he shakes his head, the ghost of a conversation with Kiyomitsu months ago flitting through his head. he ignores it, for the most part. Anya really doesn't need to have all eyes on her for her shoes. she tends to garner the attention by her personality alone. )

You need to start thinking about saving that stuff for when you've got a boyfriend — or girlfriend — you know? Once in a lifetime stuff is important, right? So you don't have to make it about everyone else. It's enough that you want to be there. We can catch the normal stuff together.

( he pauses, getting a feel for if she has her feet back under her again. )

Though if you've still out of the dating game and something really cool comes up, I'm not opposed to going. Just don't feel like you have to make me important when other stuff's come up. I won't mind.

( the damndest part of this is... he means that. he's a little... uncertain how he feels okay with this, but it's not about distance: it's actually being firm in his belief in Anya (and Dave, and maybe even Sorey) (m... aybe even Karkat) that they're still okay and still friends even if they can't always be there.

and it's not abandonment. it's okay. it's okay. )

[thank god for yuri and his skates and his new skating skills that don't have him wobbling around like a newborn deer so anya can properly hold onto him and trust him not to let her fall. and don't get her wrong she has a lot to say in response to... well. that.

but.]

... I didn't think I'd be out on the ice, Yuratchka...

[you're the one who picked her up from her perch and then set her back down on the ice?? wow. not her fault this time. though admittedly she doesn't have a response for why she's always wearing heels so she moves right along. she shakes her head even as she finds her balance, letting go of yuri once she feels stable again.]

But ah, mm... "when" I get a boyfriend or girlfriend?...? Ah everyone tells me these things as if it's inevitable.. but I do not feel that way about anyone right now?

[She smiles a bit - she's completely unaware of anyone else who might be willing to date her, but she knows that she's not feeling in that direction at the moment.]

What I do know for sure if how I feel about Yuratchka - and if there was a once in a lifetime thing to see, I would want to see it with you. Ah - after you skate. And I would probably invite Davechka and Jade and Karkat...

[let's be honest she would throw a giant party for it]

But don't get me wrong - I'm not making you important. You already are and always will be important to me. That's how it is. I'd want to do everything with you, priceless stuff and normal stuff both.

( he drops his arms away though he's watching for if she slips when moving back to the sidelines. of which he motions they should go; for one, the people who tend to trickle in at this hour should be doing so, and for another, she's not actually supposed to be out here without skates on. )

Nastenka, you're ridiculous, you know that?

( he sounds both exasperated and fond, finally holding out his arm for her to take if she wants. )

I don't think someone so full of... I don't know, full of love like you won't ever feel the whole romantic nonsense for someone else. You keep shoving your nose into everyone else's romantic business, it would serve you right to get bitten by the whole idea too one day. Maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years from now, who knows.

( he shrugs. which is enough on that subject; his opinions are more along the lines of "be careful" than "it's immediately inevitable." he'd also be the sort to call it ill-advised. but that's for him. he's at least aware his normal doesn't and shouldn't be everyone else's. )

You want to share everything with your friends. It's nice. It's also impossible. We can't all be where you want us, when you want us. Which is what I'm trying to say.

( he makes a gesture with his other hand, encompassing the room as he steps off the ice. )

You can't do everything with me and that's okay. It's not like I can do everything with you either. I don't think you care any less about me just because of that. Does that make sense?

( this is remarkable progress for Yuri to admit to and actually accept. REMARKABLE PROGRESS. )

[even though she totally had it and probably could've gotten back to the sidelines without landing on her backside without falling on her own, she's also going to take the offer an arm once it's made. she hooks her arms with yuri's even as he lectures her...

goodness... bring back the unfettered happiness of earlier, please.

she's still giggling and she opens her mouth to tease "with how much you lecture me about it, maybe I should just fall in love with you" - before, ah, thinking better of it. that's right, she already promised that she won't make jokes anymore.... even if she doesn't know what the future holds, she knows better now than to play with possibilities in a way that makes yuri uncomfortable.

so she just sighs.]

I want to find love - of course I do. It sounds nice... but I'll wait until it happens. I'm not looking. I think one day I am supposed to just know. And I do not know yet, so I will not worry about it.

[clearly she doesn't... care... she's happy with her friends. even if one day she wants to love someone, she's not going to force it.]

But it does make sense - and you are right. Maybe sometimes it will be impossible for everyone to be together. They might have work or other things that keep them away. But... in hypotheticals, it's okay to hope, isn't it? Ideals and dreams should be okay too.

In reality - everything that I can do with you, I want to. And the things that I can't... well, that's okay, because we'll always be there in heart.

[parroting it back in a different way, though she is also quoting a conversation that they'd had before. but she does understand, it's just not something she wants to naturally accept.

the problem of being so starry-eyed, probably]

( he at least seems to accept her answer now. then again, not going looking makes sense to him. not so much the "one day I am supposed to just know" — he's not sure that's practical — but not being in any hurry, yes. that he understands. there's so much more important stuff in life to focus on before entanglements of that kind.

so feeling like he's said all he cares to, he moves on. )

Hope is fine. Dreams are important, though... dreaming about people can be complicated.

( he shrugs off his own words as they step out, taking his arm away from her since he's planning on sitting and getting his skates off. )

People stay in your heart no matter the distance. Or the ones who matter to you most will, so it works out.

( the ones who may matter but don't quite stay are another matter. one he doesn't dive into. )

Is your Mom expecting you home soon?

[Dreaming about people has been complicated - that's true. She assumes that he means it literally.... because that's what they've all been doing with the hallucinomemories, right? Still, she'll step to the side even as he's getting his skates off and tilts her head at the question.]

Mama? Mm.... No, not yet. I may stop by the hospital to see her before I go home... or I can stay with Yuratchka until closing? Or... I will see and make sure that Yato and Occhan are not drinking too much. The pageant was difficult on them....

[can she make it into the bars??? who knows. she's just thinking out loud though, contemplating what her options are. though the thoughts back to the pageant remind her of the memory she had - being on stage with another person? and she'd ask this of dave too probably but yuri is here right now and]

Yuratchka... would you like to dance together soon? Mm, different from usual. Not just the same choreography - but pair dancing?

( he pulls his head up as he tugs off one boot, mouth opening: then hesitating. )

Pair dancing isn't my strong point.

( it comes across sounding like a confession. it is one. he's reserved, he screws up in the give and take, he's too commandeering as a lead, he's too fractious as a follow. Yuri's managed better periods, but it's been actually worse since he moved to Recolle. )

[ . . . . a surprise. In truth, Anya might've had a suspicion - but they haven't been friends for long. Maybe Yuri didn't want to pair dance with anyone who wasn't a friend if he didn't have to. And Anya would always be swept up in a new dance with Dave anyway.... but she looks amused - and excited.]

Something that I can teach Yuratchka? Wow!

[and she giggles even as she tilts her head and smiles]

You don't have to if you don't want to - I can ask Davenka - but it's my favorite. And ah... after the pageant, I had a hallucinomemory too. Not as new as Yuratchka's... but Anya saw a stage! [and because she's Extra, she'll hop onto an empty space on another bench nearby to elevate herself like she saw in her memory, mimicking the ending pose she saw in her head, smiling bright as the moon] And bright lights. Singing, dancing - with someone important to me.

That feeling... Doki doki! I want to feel it again. That is why I ask.

[it's a new feeling to her - to care this strongly about something that isn't the stars, but well... she plans to eventually master this too, you know?]

( he turns his face her way to show he's paying attention even as she's hopping on benches and his fingers are working at laces. he snorts, a little amused in spite of himself. part of him is prepared to say no... and probably would have, if doki doki hadn't followed her saying what she really loved in that recollection was the performance. )

Davenka's still the better option, but okay. I'll try.

( for whatever it is that she gets out of it, and for, not so selflessly, his own general improvement as well. )

[Yuri's a good friend.

Which is why Anya's absolutely ecstatic as she shifts to turn back to him, clapping her hands together.]

Yay! Then it will be fun! And we will learn new things - and...!

[she's ready to keep going, she really is - when her phone buzzes in her pocket? oh. she makes a second noise of delight, hopping down from the bench almost immediately]

Mama's shift got changed. She's going home - goodbye, Yuratchka, bye bye! Thank you, proud of you, love you!

[and there it is

anya being a mama's girl above all else kicking in as she's legitimately sprinting right back out the doors of the stardust]

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