I don't know if we did, actually, and—yes, he is, it's Sena.
[ ...Which is kind of an issue, because it's not like they really like each other. On the other hand... Urrgh. ]
I have another one here too, apparently... I've met him and I'm still not impressed. [ He's not actually that impressed with either of them, though Sena's probably. slightly higher. ] Well, he said we were part of the same unit, and my memories are inclined to agree... It's frustrating. I wish I had nicer senpai—I wonder if that's something the other me thinks, too.
[ Food for thought. He tilts his head towards her, blinking slowly. ]
Do you have any? Senpai, I mean. Either here or in your memories.
Anya blinks. Right. Sena. It takes a second longer for her smile to reach her eyes but it does - eventually.]
Sena... is? Mm... was...? A modeling senpai for Anya too. He is not nice to you...?
[It sounds familiar.
She doesn't say that out loud. Her hand in his tenses just a little bit, holding on just a little bit tighter - it's... complicated. Very complicated.]
[ Tsukasa falters, trying to sort through his complicated feelings—because that's what they are, between his memories and his memories. Mizuki Sena isn't someone he'd normally go out of his way to interact with, probably.
Or maybe it's more like, normally, he's not the kind of person he'd be able to interact with. In a way, neither is Anya, though. He was just lucky—it was just chance—so much has been up to fate. He responds to the tenseness of her hand with a squeeze, looking up at the ceiling instead of at her. ]
Sena-senpai [ because saying that feels right—better, even, even though technically he isn't his senpai anymore, with the live over, even if he's that in his memories ] is difficult, I guess. I don't think he likes me very much, but he's taken advice and stuff from me... and he's given me peptalks about some stuff, too. He calls me by a nickname, both here and in my memories... I feel like in those, I'm also frustrated, but I admire him, too.
[ ... ]
There's a memory I have of when I first went to join that unit. [ Softer, closing his eyes to see it better. ] I didn't have eyes for anyone but Sena-senpai—I even ignored someone who I called "oniisama," who seemed amused that I hadn't even noticed him, because Sena-senpai was the leader of that unit then. I was really excited about mastering what he told me to so he'd have to let me join, and I was very happy when he treated me like I was a kouhai instead of some sort of noble... I guess. I think that's why. The other me's very well-off, so I bet he has a lot of people who treat him differently...
[ He trails off, lips pursing, and shakes his head before he finally turns back to her. ]
It's not that... He isn't nice, not really, but it's like... [ ...Urgh. ] He's not outright mean? Something like tough love, or something... Sena-senpai's rough around the edges, and honestly, it's really irritating? I never get this huffy about anyone though, I don't think it's right to. [ Because he's a polite boy who was raised with manners and a penchant for respecting those older than him. And to not be competitive. And to not take after his older sibling at all, essentially. ] It's just...
[ He squeezes her hand again, sighing. ]
Difficult. Please don't tell him that I'm truly thankful for what he's said to me, since I think he'd get a really big head if he knew that... I mean, I did thank him, but... [ A huff. ] He'd tease me for still thinking about all of that, since I'm sure it's no big deal to him at all.
[ Tsukasa pauses then, studying her, and tries to smile a little. ]
Sorry if I worried you. It's nothing compared to all the cheek-pulling I get from Hinata, or all the dragging around I get from Mafuyu—Sena-senpai has to compete with real bullies~. Though, they're my friends, so...
[That sounds familiar too. Anya listens, she listens and she listens and she listens - and it makes sense to her. She nods along, because she thinks that Sena is a nice person. Of course she does. He'd been kind to her and called her his kouhai and they'd had their siblings photo shoot so long ago—
Before he panicked on her.
Then their next meeting was in a hospital room after Yato was in a coma, after Chuuya had died, and Anya wasn't able to support Sena through his own experiences. She blinks through those memories as she listens and nods....]
He is... неуклюжим? Not always graceful with his words. Even if he means good things, I think.
[ . . . a nod.]
I am happy - if he is an idol in another life.
He hated them here.
[She nearly stops there.
... but Tsukasa had said - if Anya wants to talk about something, she can talk to him. Right? She needs to tell people things. That is what her closest friends have told her. She needs to... get better at that. So she manages a small smile even if it crumples a little weakly around the corners.]
He did not want me to be one... [ - but that sounds mean, doesn't it? She doesn't want to make anyone think that. So she winces and amends:] Um. But he did not... mean for it to hurt, so....
[ Tsukasa's quiet, watching her as she speaks—the smile that isn't all there, the wince. He squeezes her hand, turning away and turning the memory of standing with Sena backstage over in his head instead. He had mentioned that, hadn't he. That he used to have a very strong opinion against idols. That he hadn't wanted her to pursue this road.
But— ]
We talked about that, at the live. He agreed with me when I said it felt like you were born for that kind of thing, and he said he was glad that nothing stopped you from going for it. He called you a powerhouse. [ A little smile. He isn't sure if this is anything she wants to or needs to hear, but it's what they discussed. ] Um... For what it's worth, I think he really is happy about that. I think he wants to support you, even if he doesn't know how. And...
[ Tsukasa trails off, thinking about it, and leans closer like he's telling her a secret. ]
I think he wants to be one, too. He looked pretty happy at the live, didn't he? So I think he doesn't hate idols as much as he used to, and I think a lot of that might be because of you. You look so radiant on stage, Anya. It'd be hard not to be inspired by you like that. All your hard work, your dedication... [ ...um— ] That's, um, just my two cents, though. I can't say I know Sena-senpai's real feelings or anything like that...? But, um...
[ .....he's leaning away again, clearing his throat. ]
Sena had said it to her too - and it was so sudden that she wondered if he'd caught a fever. It was different from everything else he'd said to her up until that point, entirely out of the blue. It was nice of him, certainly. Maybe he really did change his mind.
(... but did that erase everything else he'd ever said to her? The things that stung?)
When Tsukasa leans in closer, she matches him - and she blinks in confusion. Because of her? Sena had been to her opening concert, that had been the first time he told her to give up. Tsukasa is doing his best and Anya turns his words over in her head. Sena's a good person, Sena's a good person.
She knew that.
It's what had made all his scathing words so hard. She had wondered if she own sense of language was broken.
Instead, she's now simply convinced she shouldn't have said anything at all.
How silly of her.
Tsukasa wasn't mad about it. So it doesn't make sense for her to be unhappy about it. Anya mirrors what other people's reactions are often, and this is the first time she's talked about it to anyone and -
She won't try again.
Her smile is small, but sincere.]
... Mm. I know. He told me all those things too...
[ ...She wants to get off this topic, he can tell.
Tsukasa opens his mouth and... shuts it again, squeezing her hand tighter. Is this something he should push, or is it something he should let go? It's not like they know each other very well, and this is a good time for that, but—if she doesn't want to talk about it, should he... ]
That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it anyway, and—people shouldn't smile when they say things like that, either, [ he finally decides, though he's clearing his throat a moment later. ] That's, um, my final word on it... Sorry, I didn't mean to make this weird or... bring anything down.
[ Because the mood's—different. He's head-over-heels, but he isn't stupid. Well, he's sort of stupid, but— ]
I'm sorry, Anya. Do you want to do something else? [ ... ] I can walk you home, if you want.
[ - can she, though? Can she be upset about it? it's hard to navigate on her own, when there's a language barrier and too many nuances. There's more she hasn't said also but - for once she doesn't think she needs to say anymore. Sena is a good person. She knows that.
She should let go of everything he'd said to her. It's old anyway. A month at this point. So she hears the change from Tsukasa and -
Abandons the topic entirely. There's the shake of her head and a smile.]
Нет... No. Why are you sorry? You did not say anything bad. [So she'll skate in front of him and take both of his hands then, if he'll let her.] Sorry, Anya should not overthink - when I am with you, you should have my attention, yes?
I do not want to go home yet... Not when I have made you sad. Is that okay?
[ He didn't say anything bad, but that doesn't mean he said anything good, either. Tsukasa'll let her take both of them, though he stares at them for a moment and tries not to blush at when I am with you, you should have my attention, yes? ]
You haven't made me sad, don't worry. [ A little... confused and uncertain—it's hard navigating things with people his own age, when he has someone like Hinata around, who straight up doesn't think about sad things. Who thinks he should be happy as long as the people he likes are happy, that he shouldn't be sad if his love's ever unrequited.
(Tsukasa doesn't know it yet, but he has a disconcerting amount of people in his life like that.)
And Mafuyu, too—who also bulldozes, who doesn't let things get her down... who cries when she's denied fun, even though she did it to herself. And there's Anya, lovely Anya, who shines like stars, who he can't imagine doing anything but ignoring unfair words. Maybe that's unfair of him, really.
...He shakes his head again and, a little more firmly: ] You didn't. I promise, okay? And... if you really want to stay, then we can stay. I do want to dance with you again... It might be a little weird on ice, but I think it's not as hard as it seems.
[At the end of the day - Anya is always softer than most people think, and that's even when people think she has the consistency of frozen yogurt. For the people she loves, she holds their opinions in high regard and turns to them for guidance. Even when they might lead her astray.
But she gives him a smile - because that's what idols are meant to do. Bring joy to others. If she can do that, then she can still be happy with today instead of bringing down the atmosphere over.... nothing.
It was nothing.]
I do want to stay. С тобой. I want to be with you.
[ Even if... Tsuaksa exhales softly. Inhales softly. Swallows back his reservations and his questions and that stupid desire to try and drag the topic back, despite his fears...
And nods, pulling her a little closer. ]
Well... Maybe. Ice dancing is a kind of pair skating... Although, now that I think about it, I don't think it's the same as normal dancing. [ A beat, and he glances down at their skates. Uh. ...He didn't. think this through. ] Well—I think I can lift you and spin, if you want to try that kind of stuff... We'll go slowly? I wouldn't want to you to get hurt or anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ ...Which is kind of an issue, because it's not like they really like each other. On the other hand... Urrgh. ]
I have another one here too, apparently... I've met him and I'm still not impressed. [ He's not actually that impressed with either of them, though Sena's probably. slightly higher. ] Well, he said we were part of the same unit, and my memories are inclined to agree... It's frustrating. I wish I had nicer senpai—I wonder if that's something the other me thinks, too.
[ Food for thought. He tilts his head towards her, blinking slowly. ]
Do you have any? Senpai, I mean. Either here or in your memories.
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Anya blinks. Right. Sena. It takes a second longer for her smile to reach her eyes but it does - eventually.]
Sena... is? Mm... was...? A modeling senpai for Anya too. He is not nice to you...?
[It sounds familiar.
She doesn't say that out loud. Her hand in his tenses just a little bit, holding on just a little bit tighter - it's... complicated. Very complicated.]
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[ Tsukasa falters, trying to sort through his complicated feelings—because that's what they are, between his memories and his memories. Mizuki Sena isn't someone he'd normally go out of his way to interact with, probably.
Or maybe it's more like, normally, he's not the kind of person he'd be able to interact with. In a way, neither is Anya, though. He was just lucky—it was just chance—so much has been up to fate. He responds to the tenseness of her hand with a squeeze, looking up at the ceiling instead of at her. ]
Sena-senpai [ because saying that feels right—better, even, even though technically he isn't his senpai anymore, with the live over, even if he's that in his memories ] is difficult, I guess. I don't think he likes me very much, but he's taken advice and stuff from me... and he's given me peptalks about some stuff, too. He calls me by a nickname, both here and in my memories... I feel like in those, I'm also frustrated, but I admire him, too.
[ ... ]
There's a memory I have of when I first went to join that unit. [ Softer, closing his eyes to see it better. ] I didn't have eyes for anyone but Sena-senpai—I even ignored someone who I called "oniisama," who seemed amused that I hadn't even noticed him, because Sena-senpai was the leader of that unit then. I was really excited about mastering what he told me to so he'd have to let me join, and I was very happy when he treated me like I was a kouhai instead of some sort of noble... I guess. I think that's why. The other me's very well-off, so I bet he has a lot of people who treat him differently...
[ He trails off, lips pursing, and shakes his head before he finally turns back to her. ]
It's not that... He isn't nice, not really, but it's like... [ ...Urgh. ] He's not outright mean? Something like tough love, or something... Sena-senpai's rough around the edges, and honestly, it's really irritating? I never get this huffy about anyone though, I don't think it's right to. [ Because he's a polite boy who was raised with manners and a penchant for respecting those older than him. And to not be competitive. And to not take after his older sibling at all, essentially. ] It's just...
[ He squeezes her hand again, sighing. ]
Difficult. Please don't tell him that I'm truly thankful for what he's said to me, since I think he'd get a really big head if he knew that... I mean, I did thank him, but... [ A huff. ] He'd tease me for still thinking about all of that, since I'm sure it's no big deal to him at all.
[ Tsukasa pauses then, studying her, and tries to smile a little. ]
Sorry if I worried you. It's nothing compared to all the cheek-pulling I get from Hinata, or all the dragging around I get from Mafuyu—Sena-senpai has to compete with real bullies~. Though, they're my friends, so...
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Before he panicked on her.
Then their next meeting was in a hospital room after Yato was in a coma, after Chuuya had died, and Anya wasn't able to support Sena through his own experiences. She blinks through those memories as she listens and nods....]
He is... неуклюжим? Not always graceful with his words. Even if he means good things, I think.
[ . . . a nod.]
I am happy - if he is an idol in another life.
He hated them here.
[She nearly stops there.
... but Tsukasa had said - if Anya wants to talk about something, she can talk to him. Right? She needs to tell people things. That is what her closest friends have told her. She needs to... get better at that. So she manages a small smile even if it crumples a little weakly around the corners.]
He did not want me to be one... [ - but that sounds mean, doesn't it? She doesn't want to make anyone think that. So she winces and amends:] Um. But he did not... mean for it to hurt, so....
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But— ]
We talked about that, at the live. He agreed with me when I said it felt like you were born for that kind of thing, and he said he was glad that nothing stopped you from going for it. He called you a powerhouse. [ A little smile. He isn't sure if this is anything she wants to or needs to hear, but it's what they discussed. ] Um... For what it's worth, I think he really is happy about that. I think he wants to support you, even if he doesn't know how. And...
[ Tsukasa trails off, thinking about it, and leans closer like he's telling her a secret. ]
I think he wants to be one, too. He looked pretty happy at the live, didn't he? So I think he doesn't hate idols as much as he used to, and I think a lot of that might be because of you. You look so radiant on stage, Anya. It'd be hard not to be inspired by you like that. All your hard work, your dedication... [ ...um— ] That's, um, just my two cents, though. I can't say I know Sena-senpai's real feelings or anything like that...? But, um...
[ .....he's leaning away again, clearing his throat. ]
Yeah.
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Sena had said it to her too - and it was so sudden that she wondered if he'd caught a fever. It was different from everything else he'd said to her up until that point, entirely out of the blue. It was nice of him, certainly. Maybe he really did change his mind.
(... but did that erase everything else he'd ever said to her? The things that stung?)
When Tsukasa leans in closer, she matches him - and she blinks in confusion. Because of her? Sena had been to her opening concert, that had been the first time he told her to give up. Tsukasa is doing his best and Anya turns his words over in her head. Sena's a good person, Sena's a good person.
She knew that.
It's what had made all his scathing words so hard. She had wondered if she own sense of language was broken.
Instead, she's now simply convinced she shouldn't have said anything at all.
How silly of her.
Tsukasa wasn't mad about it. So it doesn't make sense for her to be unhappy about it. Anya mirrors what other people's reactions are often, and this is the first time she's talked about it to anyone and -
She won't try again.
Her smile is small, but sincere.]
... Mm. I know. He told me all those things too...
Anya is thinking too much then.
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...Were you upset about it? [ Softly. ] I mean, if someone told me to ditch what I wanted to do, I would be...
[ But he has a hard time imagining Anya like that, because she seems so—determined. So ready to just go and do things. Indiscouragable. ]
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When he asks, she blinks. She didn't expect to stay on the topic.
She has no idea what Tsukasa thinks of her.]
... he said it with a smile. Because it is what is best for Anya. I should listen to him, because he cares about me.
Ослушаться.... I did not, because I promised Yato first. But I thought... Maybe I did not understand what he is saying. Cold words but warm smile...
[Her brow furrows.]
I did not understand.
[ - but she shakes her head, trying to dislodge the topic again.]
But that is Anya. I need to study more.
[because sena is a fond senpai to tsukasa, right? that's what he was trying to do, probably. tsukasa can handle it. anya can too.]
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Tsukasa opens his mouth and... shuts it again, squeezing her hand tighter. Is this something he should push, or is it something he should let go? It's not like they know each other very well, and this is a good time for that, but—if she doesn't want to talk about it, should he... ]
That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it anyway, and—people shouldn't smile when they say things like that, either, [ he finally decides, though he's clearing his throat a moment later. ] That's, um, my final word on it... Sorry, I didn't mean to make this weird or... bring anything down.
[ Because the mood's—different. He's head-over-heels, but he isn't stupid. Well, he's sort of stupid, but— ]
I'm sorry, Anya. Do you want to do something else? [ ... ] I can walk you home, if you want.
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She should let go of everything he'd said to her. It's old anyway. A month at this point. So she hears the change from Tsukasa and -
Abandons the topic entirely. There's the shake of her head and a smile.]
Нет... No. Why are you sorry? You did not say anything bad. [So she'll skate in front of him and take both of his hands then, if he'll let her.] Sorry, Anya should not overthink - when I am with you, you should have my attention, yes?
I do not want to go home yet... Not when I have made you sad. Is that okay?
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You haven't made me sad, don't worry. [ A little... confused and uncertain—it's hard navigating things with people his own age, when he has someone like Hinata around, who straight up doesn't think about sad things. Who thinks he should be happy as long as the people he likes are happy, that he shouldn't be sad if his love's ever unrequited.
(Tsukasa doesn't know it yet, but he has a disconcerting amount of people in his life like that.)
And Mafuyu, too—who also bulldozes, who doesn't let things get her down... who cries when she's denied fun, even though she did it to herself. And there's Anya, lovely Anya, who shines like stars, who he can't imagine doing anything but ignoring unfair words. Maybe that's unfair of him, really.
...He shakes his head again and, a little more firmly: ] You didn't. I promise, okay? And... if you really want to stay, then we can stay. I do want to dance with you again... It might be a little weird on ice, but I think it's not as hard as it seems.
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But she gives him a smile - because that's what idols are meant to do. Bring joy to others. If she can do that, then she can still be happy with today instead of bringing down the atmosphere over.... nothing.
It was nothing.]
I do want to stay. С тобой. I want to be with you.
Do you think we can dance like this...? Really?
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And nods, pulling her a little closer. ]
Well... Maybe. Ice dancing is a kind of pair skating... Although, now that I think about it, I don't think it's the same as normal dancing. [ A beat, and he glances down at their skates. Uh. ...He didn't. think this through. ] Well—I think I can lift you and spin, if you want to try that kind of stuff... We'll go slowly? I wouldn't want to you to get hurt or anything.
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Я доверяю тебе. I trust you.
[wiTHOUT EVEN FLINCHING]
We will do our best together, Tsukasa.
[and we should wrap up this thread before i give in to the urge of having anya land flat on her tuckus, bella]