[That makes sense, but also, like... he's so ancient, what's a Japan? It's fine. Subete tried his best, and that's what matters. Even if Jin Ling and Huaisang are stupid as hell.]
Oh. [He glances away, embarrassed. He hadn't intended her to go out of her way to figure out how to read the damn tsundere apology, but whatever.] It wasn't... anything important.
[ . . . hmmm. she pauses at that before offering him up another spoonful of soup.]
... was important. Связь. What you have to say is important, so I wanted to understand it.
I... do not think I am less smart than other people - but sometimes I cannot know things if it is not in words. Even if in language I did not understand, I will learn language to hear what you say.
Because I want to know what you think - clear as I can.
[He doesn’t take it at first because he’s too busy hyperfocusing on her dumb shoujo ass. What the hell. He still doesn’t get why it’s so easy for her to be able to say these things so honestly.
And to people’s face no less!]
It said... sorry. [In case she hadn’t figured it out or something.] For what happened. That’s all.
[Well, he just sits here like a tomato. Again. It’s fine.]
I didn’t know... I mean... [His eyes lower to glance around.] The other realm. I hadn’t received any letters, so I didn’t know... how it worked. If you could see us like spirits.
I didn’t have anyone else... to send anything to really.
[He says this with such certainty. Toi, Zenitsu, Ayabe, all of them, even Huaisang, tossed by the wayside because he's too embarrassed to consider them friends, or close. It's fine.]
[His furrows his brows only because... he doesn't understand why she is asking to ask, then again, he's very use to this because of his culture. Even though... he does not expect it from others after being here so long.]
[REAL AND UNADULTERATED FEAR. His mouth drops open, but nothing at all comes out. He sort of just stares while his brain has to rewire.] Wha... [This just. Feels as if it came out of nowhere for him.
But unfortunately, now that she's brought it up, he's having to hastily recalibrate everything that's happened. What gave her this idea? He hadn't thought a single damn thing about this exactly, and now he's wondering how he really feels. Being a teenage boy is suffering.]
Anya thought the same thing. She doesn't seem bothered by the surprise or the stutter, instead explaining - ]
Mm... Maybe it is wrong. I was only thinking because....
[Her gaze drops to the soup then, stirring it as she recounts - if only because it's a little awkward, just a little, to be met only with his surprise.]
People have called Anya 'heartbreaker' lately - and I do not like it. Осторожный. If someone gave me their heart, I would rather take care, than break it. But... it is odd to think - for someone to like Anya like that, because I do not think that I am someone so cool. [she's not impressive enough to give other people the dokidokis? who would have a crush on her?] But someone told me that you might...
[She shakes her head then, looking back up at him - ]
If you do not, I do not mind. I thought it was wrong too, when first said. Early on even, you said you could not have crush on Anya. Определенность. I only wanted to ask you, and be sure.
[People calling Anya out on her heartbreaking is very valid. They're valid.]
Who said that?! [WOW. What person is out here trying to put him in the damn ground from embarrassment! They didn't even talk to him about it! Not that... he would talk about it, clearly. Haha.] Who-- [But then he thinks about her "I am not someone so cool," and he makes a face.]
What? [It's disbelief, not confusion.] But everyone likes you. They always talk to you, or see if you're okay. [Which he is sort of envious of, but he's a scorpio, so of course he is.] And--Kuji Toi? And Agatsuma Zenitsu? Haven't you seen them? The way they look at you? [Maybe not, like, fully Toi, but whatever.]
Though at the rest of it - now she's the one looking surprised, blinking as he happily namedrops so many people that she cares about. But...]
It is different kind of like.... Between friends and lovers. [SHE WON'T DENY A LOT OF PEOPLE CHECK ON HER - ] Also I think because... слабый. People know that I cannot protect myself well, unless I have gun. Sometimes even then...
[their break-in....]
Toi does not look at me any way... Zenitsu looks at all girls that way... What did Asch do?
Don't be stupid. How can you not see it? He was looking at you--! In the kitchen, like--! [It's to embarrassing to describe.] Like he likes you! Didn't you see how much he yelled at everyone else all the time, and then he wasn't...
[Wait.
He's fucking stupid. He immediately and quickly backtracks on what he was explaining because it's too familiar.]
An-anyway, why am I any different? You do this for everyone else, right? You made everyone their favorite foods, and you worried about them, so why are you asking me like it matters? Everyone is going home... and then what!
It's clear on her face that she's not sure what Jin Ling is talking about. Asch has always been nice to her, and she's just assumed that's because they're friends. It's not like there haven't been times that he's yelled at her and been angry....
Though - he does ask the golden question, right? Why is she asking him and not everyone else - well.]
... do not think anyone else likes me - did not even think you did until told...
[he was the first to get namedropped, that's literally it. but.]
But... I only ask because - душа. Your heart matters and what you feel matters. If it is wrong, and you do not like me, that is okay. But if you do.... I care about you, and want your heart to be treasured.
[Though she'll raise both her hands up then - in an almost placating gesture, finally allowing herself a smile.]
... it is silly though. Sorry to ask something weird.
[Someone else told her that some boys who had crushes on her might not even realize it - but if they don't realize it, can it really be a crush? She supposes she just made more trouble, but... she just wanted to be sure, before anyone got hurt if she could help it.]
Самонадеянно. ["Presumptuous."] I stepped too far.
[There's really nothing else left for him to do except turn fucking red in the face, as usual. How stupid can she really be about things like this, he wonders, sitting here, not knowing how to sort through his own emotions.]
I... [He glances away. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he said he would do better, right?] I hadn't... thought about it. [For himself. He sits here in nearly the same predicament Anya is in, able to see it on everyone else except himself.] I have to go home because... there is something I have to finish. Uncle Jin... I have to stop him. Getting back means... Uncle Jiang will be proud of me.
There wasn't any point in remembering anyone here if... there was no way to see them ever again once this is over. Calling you my friend would... [Hurt.] So I didn't. Heavenly Master Agni told me to... not take for granted things that wouldn't last forever, and then you died, and I had... been rude.
[Anya isn't all that vain, really. She's not the type of person who thinks that she's easily liked - a result of years of bullying and being ignored. She has semi-reasonable self-esteem, but she doesn't make assumptions that she'll ever be accepted by someone. She thinks it's sort of similar to now - Jin Ling was just nice to her, and people misunderstood it. She thinks she misunderstood it too, with their suggestion.
She'll set the soup aside for now - and she's since washed and dried her shawl from their adventure, so she'll wrap it neatly around her uninjured hand again to reach for his, even if she'll only rest her hand over it.]
... Your letter made me very happy. And even if we do not see each other again.... Благодарный. I am happy I got to meet you, and the time we had, even if it was short. I am not good at saying goodbye... so I will not.
I know hope is scary though... so I can hold onto hope for both of us - that we will meet again.
I know you need to go home. Your future is to be very amazing Sect Leader. [She's been saying this since the first day she met him - ] I did not ever think you would go somewhere else.
Only important to say things while possible - before the person you want to say them to is too far away.
[He frowns softly at her hand on his, though it doesn't look as if he dislikes the tough. More... he's confused by it probably. After a moment, he turns it over, but keeps it flat to let her hand rest on it.]
I didn't... tell you thank you when I had the chance. Sorry. For... helping me sometimes, or... talking to me even if I was rude. Everyone always disliked me because... they said I had no manners. They would say.... I had no mom to teach me any manners because she died when I was a baby.
But... I didn't want anything to happen to you because... because you make others happy, and... you... also make me happy, I guess. I didn't say... [A lot actually.] What I've heard about my mom, I think... she would have been a lot like you. She liked to cook, and she cared about her family, and... even if people said my dad didn't care about her, she cared about my dad because... she married him, even if their betrothal was called off.
[HE'S REALLY TRYING, WOW. There's no way to really keep the surprise of her face - even as she'll let her hand rest in his more properly, fingers curling into proper hand-holding if he'll let her. She tenses a little bit only when he explains that people used to taunt him, though she is immediately distracted when he says that she made him happy. There's a lot of emotions to go through, very quickly - though it seems to settle into simple fondness.]
... If I ever meet people who said those things to you, I would be very - суровый... Stern with them.
[No bully her friends!!]
... Your mama sounds like very good person. I do not know if I am that good. [she looks sheepish - it sounds like a high compliment and she's not sure if it's good enough for her] Having friends, and people who like me is... new.
[her injured hand comes up to her hair, like how she normally plays with it self-consciously]
I look different from most people in Japan, because Anya is only half. And I cannot talk well, because there is many language to learn. So... странный. People thought I am weird, or strange. Did not talk to me, and said cold things... It was very lonely, and felt very dark. I did not think you were rude to me the same way that they were - so I did not mind.
But... it is better now - and I think, if I can make other people happy, and make you happy... I am glad to be Anya, the way I am. And... you make me happy too, the way you are. I do not dislike you. Your words warm my heart.
[He shakes his head dismissively.] Nevermind. I'm going to prove them wrong--everyone else. I don't care what they say about me. They're wrong... [It still hurts, sometimes, but, he hadn't lied when he said he'd keep going.] You, too. Whatever they say, they're... stupid. Don't listen to them. The people who matter won't treat you like that.
...
Someone from home told me... there are two phrases people never wanted to say, but they would have to say sometime in their life. "Thank you," and, "I'm sorry." I thought he was a lunatic, but... now I understand what he meant.
[But he gets it.]
I'm sorry I ran away. It was weird to hear... someone who knew how it felt, but someone who wanted to treat me as kindly as you did. That's what I want to thank you for. You and Reito... I didn't take the time to tell you what I should have. So I will... try to do better.
[Oh.... she lets out a short breath at that, even as her expression softens even more, if at all possible. She gives him a smile and tries to squeeze his hand through the shawl - she really hates being a ghost.]
... Maybe not too much better - heart might skip if you are too nice to me. But... I like when you are.
[it'd be nice if she had a little more shame but she does not.]
You remind me of... person very important to me. Always trying to do better, and learn more. But... that person got sick once, because I did not take good care of her like she took care of me and others. So... I hope you know that even if you want to do better, you are still good.
Поддержка. I will always support you - but think you can be mean to yourself too. I will get mad, if you are too harsh.
[Listen, he had to get all of that out of the way first and foremost. It had been eating at him for a long time, and he couldn't even really put it into a simple letter.
He's back to turning red for the hundredth time since he's been haunted by Anya's ghost on the living side.]
Th-Thanks...
[Embarrassing. When will he stop being red? Anyway, more importantly:]
She seems thoughtful about it for a second - like she's trying to find the right words. It's a bit different, and strange for her, because currently she is a ghostie and he is not.]
Недобросовестная. That is not fair... You did not answer.
[But well... she doesn't mind speaking first, because she is a very direct girl. All it really takes to get through to her is to be direct yourself.]
Mm... I could, I think and - I do, a little. It is a little more... сложный? Hard to explain. It is hard to say 'love' very quickly, because - apart for many weeks, and many weeks did not speak clearly to each other. [jin ling did not have a single fucking chance before he died, because she's not an M
Though as she continues - she joins him in being just a little bit red, just a little pink.]
But... now I think - might be fun, to go on date, if we had more time. I like you as friend - very certain but... think I could like you even more than that, too.
The mouth he had opened to respond falters. She'll have to be careful; he's not supposed to run away, but he's getting overheated. They're just ping ponging their embarrassment. It's fine.
In the end, she only said the exact things he had planned to say really. There can't exactly be any like when he barely spent time with her the first few weeks, and then there was nothing, and now they have a single week to speak freely again. So he's left with just nodding once, understanding. Agreeing really.]
I think... Uncle Jiang would... uh, approve of you, [wow] but... I... [WOW, his face turns super red.] Nevermind. You're right. We can... should... try friends... first. Not that--I want to--not that we have to-- Fuck.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
constellates) wrote2020-02-17 10:27 am
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[That makes sense, but also, like... he's so ancient, what's a Japan? It's fine. Subete tried his best, and that's what matters. Even if Jin Ling and Huaisang are stupid as hell.]
Oh. [He glances away, embarrassed. He hadn't intended her to go out of her way to figure out how to read the damn tsundere apology, but whatever.] It wasn't... anything important.
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... was important. Связь. What you have to say is important, so I wanted to understand it.
I... do not think I am less smart than other people - but sometimes I cannot know things if it is not in words. Even if in language I did not understand, I will learn language to hear what you say.
Because I want to know what you think - clear as I can.
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And to people’s face no less!]
It said... sorry. [In case she hadn’t figured it out or something.] For what happened. That’s all.
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... I know. But.... still think it is not your fault, and not to blame.
[she doesn't mind that she had to work a little harder to figure it out - but she'll offer him a smile.]
The rest of the letter made me very happy. Oдаренный. You have many skill - the art was lovely too.
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I didn’t know... I mean... [His eyes lower to glance around.] The other realm. I hadn’t received any letters, so I didn’t know... how it worked. If you could see us like spirits.
I didn’t have anyone else... to send anything to really.
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.... I still liked it. I am glad, that your important people were with you on the living side instead.
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No one was here either.
[He says this with such certainty. Toi, Zenitsu, Ayabe, all of them, even Huaisang, tossed by the wayside because he's too embarrassed to consider them friends, or close. It's fine.]
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she blinks at that for a moment before tilting her head]
I have question. Is it okay to ask?
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You can ask.
[fear]
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Влюбленность? [a beat] Do you like me?
[ah - she might need to clarify]
As more than friend? Or... just friend? Or... not that?
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But unfortunately, now that she's brought it up, he's having to hastily recalibrate everything that's happened. What gave her this idea? He hadn't thought a single damn thing about this exactly, and now he's wondering how he really feels. Being a teenage boy is suffering.]
Why...? I haven't...
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Anya thought the same thing. She doesn't seem bothered by the surprise or the stutter, instead explaining - ]
Mm... Maybe it is wrong. I was only thinking because....
[Her gaze drops to the soup then, stirring it as she recounts - if only because it's a little awkward, just a little, to be met only with his surprise.]
People have called Anya 'heartbreaker' lately - and I do not like it. Осторожный. If someone gave me their heart, I would rather take care, than break it. But... it is odd to think - for someone to like Anya like that, because I do not think that I am someone so cool. [she's not impressive enough to give other people the dokidokis? who would have a crush on her?] But someone told me that you might...
[She shakes her head then, looking back up at him - ]
If you do not, I do not mind. I thought it was wrong too, when first said. Early on even, you said you could not have crush on Anya. Определенность. I only wanted to ask you, and be sure.
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Who said that?! [WOW. What person is out here trying to put him in the damn ground from embarrassment! They didn't even talk to him about it! Not that... he would talk about it, clearly. Haha.] Who-- [But then he thinks about her "I am not someone so cool," and he makes a face.]
What? [It's disbelief, not confusion.] But everyone likes you. They always talk to you, or see if you're okay. [Which he is sort of envious of, but he's a scorpio, so of course he is.] And--Kuji Toi? And Agatsuma Zenitsu? Haven't you seen them? The way they look at you? [Maybe not, like, fully Toi, but whatever.]
Even Asch did it when we were in the kitchen!
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Though at the rest of it - now she's the one looking surprised, blinking as he happily namedrops so many people that she cares about. But...]
It is different kind of like.... Between friends and lovers. [SHE WON'T DENY A LOT OF PEOPLE CHECK ON HER - ] Also I think because... слабый. People know that I cannot protect myself well, unless I have gun. Sometimes even then...
[their break-in....]
Toi does not look at me any way... Zenitsu looks at all girls that way... What did Asch do?
[ASCH ISN'T EVEN
ON HER RADAR
DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD I FEEL]
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Don't be stupid. How can you not see it? He was looking at you--! In the kitchen, like--! [It's to embarrassing to describe.] Like he likes you! Didn't you see how much he yelled at everyone else all the time, and then he wasn't...
[Wait.
He's fucking stupid. He immediately and quickly backtracks on what he was explaining because it's too familiar.]
An-anyway, why am I any different? You do this for everyone else, right? You made everyone their favorite foods, and you worried about them, so why are you asking me like it matters? Everyone is going home... and then what!
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It's clear on her face that she's not sure what Jin Ling is talking about. Asch has always been nice to her, and she's just assumed that's because they're friends. It's not like there haven't been times that he's yelled at her and been angry....
Though - he does ask the golden question, right? Why is she asking him and not everyone else - well.]
... do not think anyone else likes me - did not even think you did until told...
[he was the first to get namedropped, that's literally it. but.]
But... I only ask because - душа. Your heart matters and what you feel matters. If it is wrong, and you do not like me, that is okay. But if you do.... I care about you, and want your heart to be treasured.
[Though she'll raise both her hands up then - in an almost placating gesture, finally allowing herself a smile.]
... it is silly though. Sorry to ask something weird.
[Someone else told her that some boys who had crushes on her might not even realize it - but if they don't realize it, can it really be a crush? She supposes she just made more trouble, but... she just wanted to be sure, before anyone got hurt if she could help it.]
Самонадеянно. ["Presumptuous."] I stepped too far.
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I... [He glances away. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he said he would do better, right?] I hadn't... thought about it. [For himself. He sits here in nearly the same predicament Anya is in, able to see it on everyone else except himself.] I have to go home because... there is something I have to finish. Uncle Jin... I have to stop him. Getting back means... Uncle Jiang will be proud of me.
There wasn't any point in remembering anyone here if... there was no way to see them ever again once this is over. Calling you my friend would... [Hurt.] So I didn't. Heavenly Master Agni told me to... not take for granted things that wouldn't last forever, and then you died, and I had... been rude.
So I sent you a letter.
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She'll set the soup aside for now - and she's since washed and dried her shawl from their adventure, so she'll wrap it neatly around her uninjured hand again to reach for his, even if she'll only rest her hand over it.]
... Your letter made me very happy. And even if we do not see each other again.... Благодарный. I am happy I got to meet you, and the time we had, even if it was short. I am not good at saying goodbye... so I will not.
I know hope is scary though... so I can hold onto hope for both of us - that we will meet again.
I know you need to go home. Your future is to be very amazing Sect Leader. [She's been saying this since the first day she met him - ] I did not ever think you would go somewhere else.
Only important to say things while possible - before the person you want to say them to is too far away.
I learned that many times.
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I didn't... tell you thank you when I had the chance. Sorry. For... helping me sometimes, or... talking to me even if I was rude. Everyone always disliked me because... they said I had no manners. They would say.... I had no mom to teach me any manners because she died when I was a baby.
But... I didn't want anything to happen to you because... because you make others happy, and... you... also make me happy, I guess. I didn't say... [A lot actually.] What I've heard about my mom, I think... she would have been a lot like you. She liked to cook, and she cared about her family, and... even if people said my dad didn't care about her, she cared about my dad because... she married him, even if their betrothal was called off.
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... If I ever meet people who said those things to you, I would be very - суровый... Stern with them.
[No bully her friends!!]
... Your mama sounds like very good person. I do not know if I am that good. [she looks sheepish - it sounds like a high compliment and she's not sure if it's good enough for her] Having friends, and people who like me is... new.
[her injured hand comes up to her hair, like how she normally plays with it self-consciously]
I look different from most people in Japan, because Anya is only half. And I cannot talk well, because there is many language to learn. So... странный. People thought I am weird, or strange. Did not talk to me, and said cold things... It was very lonely, and felt very dark. I did not think you were rude to me the same way that they were - so I did not mind.
But... it is better now - and I think, if I can make other people happy, and make you happy... I am glad to be Anya, the way I am. And... you make me happy too, the way you are. I do not dislike you. Your words warm my heart.
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...
Someone from home told me... there are two phrases people never wanted to say, but they would have to say sometime in their life. "Thank you," and, "I'm sorry." I thought he was a lunatic, but... now I understand what he meant.
[But he gets it.]
I'm sorry I ran away. It was weird to hear... someone who knew how it felt, but someone who wanted to treat me as kindly as you did. That's what I want to thank you for. You and Reito... I didn't take the time to tell you what I should have. So I will... try to do better.
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... Maybe not too much better - heart might skip if you are too nice to me. But... I like when you are.
[it'd be nice if she had a little more shame but she does not.]
You remind me of... person very important to me. Always trying to do better, and learn more. But... that person got sick once, because I did not take good care of her like she took care of me and others. So... I hope you know that even if you want to do better, you are still good.
Поддержка. I will always support you - but think you can be mean to yourself too. I will get mad, if you are too harsh.
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He's back to turning red for the hundredth time since he's been haunted by Anya's ghost on the living side.]
Th-Thanks...
[Embarrassing. When will he stop being red? Anyway, more importantly:]
Do you... like me or something...?
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She seems thoughtful about it for a second - like she's trying to find the right words. It's a bit different, and strange for her, because currently she is a ghostie and he is not.]
Недобросовестная. That is not fair... You did not answer.
[But well... she doesn't mind speaking first, because she is a very direct girl. All it really takes to get through to her is to be direct yourself.]
Mm... I could, I think and - I do, a little. It is a little more... сложный? Hard to explain. It is hard to say 'love' very quickly, because - apart for many weeks, and many weeks did not speak clearly to each other. [jin ling did not have a single fucking chance before he died, because she's not an M
Though as she continues - she joins him in being just a little bit red, just a little pink.]
But... now I think - might be fun, to go on date, if we had more time. I like you as friend - very certain but... think I could like you even more than that, too.
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The mouth he had opened to respond falters. She'll have to be careful; he's not supposed to run away, but he's getting overheated. They're just ping ponging their embarrassment. It's fine.
In the end, she only said the exact things he had planned to say really. There can't exactly be any like when he barely spent time with her the first few weeks, and then there was nothing, and now they have a single week to speak freely again. So he's left with just nodding once, understanding. Agreeing really.]
I think... Uncle Jiang would... uh, approve of you, [wow] but... I... [WOW, his face turns super red.] Nevermind. You're right. We can... should... try friends... first. Not that--I want to--not that we have to-- Fuck.
[Nailed it.]
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