[ binch stop running ]

[constellates]

Comments

[soba]

So, maybe we'll see something useful?

[ he kind of doubts it, but. even if he isn't sure something will work he will try.

toi moves to get a better look at the telescope, but he ends up brushing against anya's shoulder as he does so. and, when he does, a memory will play. :) ]

[constellates]

May—

[ -be dies in her throat as the memory hits, and she finds herself startled, gasping softly to herself in surprise, her hand immediately coming up to her heart, where she'd witnessed the man get shot by...]

... your brother?

[and the ensuing gunfire... it rings in her ears, and she tries to understand it]

[soba]

[ it's funny.

because toi has had to explain away violence before, but it was something that happened four years ago, and thus it was easier to talk about it in a more detached way. even traumatic experiences might not sound too bad to your own ears when you give yourself some space.

but this is different. even he gasps, and he can't really say anything immediately after. ]

... shit...

[constellates]

[ . . . it's hard to know what to say. it's so very much outside of frame of reference in the world that she knows, only spotlights and glittering stars. where the only time to use a gun is when you're hunting, and you're certainly never aiming at people.

but she watches his expression first even as the tightness in her chest doesn't seem to really go away - ]

... are you - okay?

[soba]

... how can you even just ask that?

[ it's said quietly, almost mumbled. ]

I killed people. Why are you even still talking to me?

[constellates]

[it's a pretty decent question - all things considered. if her producer were here, he'd tell her not to associate with someone like this. it's bad press for an idol, among other things. but her producer isn't here, and anya's had to meet all types of people, and maybe her sense of morality is getting a bit skewed but - ]

.... Защита. Trying to help family, yes?

[and maybe she doesn't even agree with his family! she doesn't think that she would get along with toi's brother immediately if he kills people who do him favors!

.... but the absolute bare notion of doing anything for the people you love is something she gets easily]

You were in scary place too. That is why I can ask... if you are okay.

[soba]

I'm okay.

[ he'll keep saying that. ]

We... got out of there. So it's okay.

[ he says that slightly more weakly. ]

[constellates]

[ . . . she hears it and can't help but - ]

... If it is not okay, would you say so?

[or would he just keep saying it, because he needs it to be true for himself?]

[soba]

What do you want me to say?

[ he doesn't know what answer would be close to satisfying her, that isn't an obvious lie. ]

[constellates]

[unfortunately that is the impasse]

... правда.

Only... truth.

[soba]

I've been telling you the truth.

I'm tired.

[constellates]

... Которого?

["of what?" - but she also thinks that she can't blame him, given what she saw]

... Of being disappointed?

[soba]

A lot of things.

[ he gives her a curious look. ]

But I've done a lot of shitty things for my brother, Anya. You shouldn't want to be my friend.

[constellates]

... Drug dealer. Using guns. Hurting people...

[she knows now, with clear evidence based on his own memories. they're choices that he made, and doesn't seem to regret. she's the one who said that she couldn't like stefano because he was so willing to hurt people -

but.]

Внутренний? Do you think you should not have friends, because of what you have done?

[soba]

... I had two friends. And then I realized that it wasn't going to work out. I couldn't be friends with them, and survive in this kind of world at the same time. So something need to be sacrificed.

[ a few things needed to be. ]

Why would I want to make friends again after that?

[constellates]

... because - they could not survive in the world you are in?

[she thinks of what she saw - toi's brother killing a man who helped them, because he didn't think that man would be able to survive in the world they're in. toi's surprise and pain from seeing it happen in front of his eyes.

did he believe in that too?

. . . ]

Насилие? Does it need to be that way forever?

[soba]

Yes. It'll be that way for as long as I'm still around.

[ however long that may be. ]

You should just try to salvage whatever's left of your normal life.

[constellates]

[ . . . ]

But you miss them. Your friends. [Meltryllis too, she thinks, but that's a little too recent for her to bring up] And even with your brother - it is still hard.

[her injured hand comes to rest over her chest, feeling the ache that starts to settle there]

... I still want to know you - временный характер. Even if it not for always.

Because it sounds more tiring... to be alone and carry things that way.

[soba]

[ but what's the point? if it's just going to get taken from him again in the end, then what's even the point? the idea of opening yourself to someone, of holding out your hand, only to have them snatched away from you again and again...

he doesn't understand how someone can be okay with that. ]

It would be easier.

[constellates]

... is it?

[she questions it - because she can't help it. her fingers curl inward, balling into a small, tense fist]

Someone said - life can be scary, and can be short. But... Вместе. With another person, scary can be halved. Can be shared. To have someone who will say 'you are not alone, because I am here too.'

[ . . . ]

Эгоистичный. It feels selfish - but I want to say that to you. [a beat, and she finally puts words to what she's been feeling for weeks - ] Anya will not be idol anymore after this, if we get out. So... could be friends if you ever want.

I will not go - until you go first. No matter how hard or easy.

[soba]

Why can't you be an idol anymore?

[ he glances down at her hand. ]

Your injury?

[constellates]

[there's a pause - and a nod]

They told Anya to be solo artist - but even if stayed with partner... Would make her lose popularity. Внешность. Because Anya is an idol for looks first.

[she can sing, she can dance - but she knows that she's not as cute or charming as the other girls. people want to see her for a certain persona, and she can't deliver that anymore. the entertainment industry is a harsh one and she won't make the cut because of her choice]

... but that is not point of what I said.

[soba]

It sounds pretty important to me.

[ an idol gives hope, and all of that. ]

[constellates]

[ . . . ]

И то и другое. Both things are important.

Anya looking for new dream.

Toi not having to lose friends.

[she squares her shoulders a little]

Both can happen.

[soba]

[ he gives her a stern look, questioningly, like he's trying to find something in her face that might show she's lying. ]

What happens if we can't be friends once this is over? You're really okay with that?