Anastasia "cuddly lion pit" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 am
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 amic inbox.
ANASTASIA
Hello. Call me Anya. (･ω´-ゞ)^☆
VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION
constellates) wrote2020-01-25 08:03 am
no subject
But she'll always make time for her dear friends - after all, it's not as if she would've managed to make it anywhere without them.
When she catches sight of Yukine, she waves excitedly before picking up her pace so she stops in front of him. Despite... everything... she still hasn't quite managed to figure out that the roses are for her. Maybe they're for Chiyo?]
Yukine! Привет! Hi.
no subject
he couldn't say that for a lot of people. couldn't even say it for himself, but he hopes to eventually. he wants to be someone like that. like anya.
as soon as yukine sees her, he lights up and waves her over. he's excited, nervous, and intensely anxious, but here she is! here he is! here they are! both of them! he laughs a little, quietly and mostly to himself as he tries to swallow down the wild urge to back out of his plan entirely. can't fail if you don't try, right?
right?
ugh. how stupid. no way. he's come this far. it's too late to back out! )
Anya!
( slowly, he presents her with the roses after she's approached. )
I don't think I got a chance to say so in person, but congratulations! On like everything! It's a little late, but these are for you.
( another laugh, this one more notably nervous as he cups the back of his neck. )
As a token of appreciation from a fan and uh, ah. Haha. You know, and uh—
( god. )
Something! Else!
no subject
It says something about Anya that before Yukine says anything, she wonders if maybe the roses are a gift from Mikoto.
Instead, she takes the roses and - laughs faintly, even as a faint blush paints her cheeks as she holds onto him. She's happy, very happy. Roses are beautiful and receiving presents means a lot to her? It always makes her heart flutter happily when she gets something from the people who mean the world to her.]
Ah? Цветы...! Flowers? You did not have to.... Thank you....
[And her eyes flick up to him as she watches - carefully. She has a habit of watching the people she likes like a hawk after all.]
"Something! Else".... ah? [though she does mimic his tone rather perfectly] Yukine has other things to say?
/3
( easily enough. while he isn't particularly good at giving things to others or really just doing nice things for the sake of being nice, he always really wants to do stuff for her. of course, he feels that way about his family too, but it's different. anya isn't in the same category as them.
anya's different.
his fingers brush against the fine hairs on his neck, slowly rubbing the spot there as he tries to keep his composure. he's got to look respectable while he does! like someone worth saying "yes" to! he can't look like an idiot unable to barely string a sentence together as he explodes from embarrassment.
no way, no way, no way.
the only problem is that he doesn't realise how conflicted his face looks as he considers all of this. )
Haha, well, uh, you see . . .
no subject
what if she says no? what then? wouldn't the romantic place just feel ugly and imposing then?
no, he just needs to be honest. say how he feels. then they can go somewhere romantic without strings or expectations attached if she wants to. only if she wants to. maybe it's a day better spent laying down and watching TV or lounging at the park? who knows? it could be anything, but most importantly it'll be fine! it'll be better than fine! he just needs to tell her.
he lifts off the wall, trying to straighten up and look as tall as possible. )
There's something else I want to tell you.
3/4
he can do this. he just needs to tell her. just tell her straight out. )
The flowers. They're also a token of my affection?
( ugh. clumsy. stupid. that's not how he wanted to say that. still, he continues on. only a weakling would pull out now. )
As someone who loves you. I mean, you know that already, but I don't just mean regular love?
( just say it!! stop!! beating!! around!! the!! bush!! saythewordssaythewordssaythewordssaythewordssaythewordssaythewords!! )
I mean, like, love-love.
( no, you idiot!! stop fucking it up—!! )
no subject
red engulfs his face like flames, making his face feel miserably hot as he continues to internally berate himself for all his failures here today. he's so embarrassed, he kind of wants to knock his head back against the wall because an exciting trip to the ER seems more enjoyable than what he's doing right this moment. )
Fuck. Sorry. I'm not saying this right. What I mean is—
( fuck it!!!!!!! say it!!!! say it now!!! it can't get worse!! )
Anya! I love you, please go out with me.
/3
She waits for his explanation for what he seems distracted, as if he has something else on his mind, and she thinks about how lovely the flowers smell. A token of affection? It takes a little bit of her to piece out the words - that is something that you give to your friends, yes? To the people that you care about. Again, Anya thinks that she doesn't deserve Yukine's kindness.
She loves him too, very much—]
no subject
Not in that way.
When he finally gets the words out, when he emphasizes love-love, and then asks her to go out with him, she -
She wonders what she did wrong. She wonders what it was that she said, what she did, what she didn't say or didn't do - that made it come to this? Her fingers tighten around the wrapping paper of the flowers, crinkling them even as she feels her face flush with embarrassment.]
Love...? Me?
[Right now, she doesn't feel like she's about to do anything worth being loved.
It's true that she would do anything to make Yukine smile. It's true that she thinks that he deserves the world. It's true that she adores him, would chase after his happiness, and oppose anyone who dared to make him unhappy - but how on earth is she supposed to fight herself? Because for all the things that she'd do for Yukine, there are things that she can't and lying - lying about feelings that she doesn't have—
God, he deserves better than this.]
no subject
I... Yukine, I—
[Her voice raises a pitch in her distress, in her inability to give him what he deserves and what he wants. Just barely catching herself, she lowers the volume of her voice even as she has to tell the truth. She has to tell the truth. She has to tell him.]
Cожалею—
[Sorry. The word comes out in Russian before she can stop it, though she winces and bites her tongue a moment after. The words blend together but, god can't she at least get it together enough to let him down in a language he understands?]
S-Sorry.
I—I cannot...
[There's more that she wants to tell him: You should be with someone who cherishes you even more than I do. You should be with someone who thinks you're perfect for them. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.
But just like so many other times, she can't find the words.]
1/2
( that's all he can manage to say. it feels like his ribcage is collapsing in his chest, bones shattering like glass against the force of an imaginary punch. he can hardly breathe, struggling just to keep his composure as he watches anya's reaction unfold. he doesn't want to cry, he doesn't want to make her feel any worse than he already had, and he doesn't. . . he just doesn't want this to escalate.
he's an idiot.
a stupid, stupid idiot. what made him even dare to think that anya would like him? why did he think he was special? and what? he dragged her out her to listen to him spill his guts like an asshole?
god! how stupid can one person be?
anya's reaction hurts. the way she drops her shoulders, the way her face pinches, and the way she can barely articulate her answer. it hurts worse than any punch ever has and he's so sorry. sorrier than he's ever been in his life. what a hideous mistake all of this had been. tears prick at the corners of his eyes, hot and wet, as he pushes down as much of his feelings as he can. )
I—
( he tries, quickly flicking his gaze away from her and somewhere just over her shoulder. if he doesn't look at her directly, it'll be easier or so he thinks. )
I understand.
no subject
right now, it's the only thing keeping him from crying. )
Okay. I-I just need to go. Home.
( it's hard enough to keep talking. his voice cracks, obviously strained, but he can't just run. she doesn't deserve that. she didn't deserve any of this.
so he tries to smile. small and brokenly, but he tries all the same. )
I'm sorry.
/2
[As if she plans to give chase if he ends up running (again), she takes a step forward to find her voice.]
Подожди минутку - just... just a little. Please, I...
[Half a year ago, Anya lost her words. She can remember waking up without them, no longer able to communicate her feelings in the exact words that she wanted, having to rely on slips of Russian and hiding behind simple text messages to cover how hopeless she felt. In the time since then, she thought she'd gotten better - she'd been able to figure out ways around to still tell people what she wanted to say, even if it was clumsy.
Here, she can't afford to be clumsy. She can't be selfish and blame it on a language barrier. What use is trying to get better if she can't do anything for Yukine when his face looks like that?
(And it's unfortunate - that she knows the feeling. It's a fresh wound, the feeling of confessing to someone that you like them - out of everyone in this whole city, you picked them - and then receiving an answer that isn't a resounding, certain, absolute yes! But Anya and Yukine are different. Anya never bothered to hope that someone would like her back.
That anyone would like her at all.)]
I... I am scared because I do not want to make it hurt more.
[Too honest, too sincere even when she feels the ground crumbling beneath her feet, even as she desperately reaches for traction - if she could just keep her friend from feeling the same way she felt.]
But I - Yukine is... It is not because... Yukine is not good enough, if - if you are thinking that? [She winces again, stumbling over her words so uncertainly.] Нет. No. I do not want Yukine to... feel that way.
no subject
[I wish I could be what you want me to be.
So much for an idol being someone to make people's dreams come true.
She shakes her head and bites her tongue, forcing out a different set of thoughts entirely.]
K-Koushuu or Chiyo - even Eijun... Please - do not be alone? Please...
[Anya will always be okay - she's Anya. That's her job. Worrying just also so happens to be in her nature and - it scares her, to think of Yukine being left alone to handle a rejection. She just knows better, knows well enough that she can't be the one to hold his hand through this one.]
no subject
( only as much as a syllable is managed before yukine clamps his mouth resolutely shut. there is nothing he should say. he has said enough, done enough damage, caused enough problems, and he knows better than to try to open his mouth. especially now when his feelings are a mess and he has no idea what he might say. he could say anything. anything could fall out of him and he could be so much sorrier than he already is.
no, instead, he lets out a shaky breath.
anya has been talking to him, offering words that only feel hollow, and he doesn't want to hear it. not now and maybe not ever. he doesn't want to he's good enough by the person he's not good enough for! it's so frustrating! it's too much. it's not even the good kind of "too much". still, he tries to pretend like he's listening and he hears her because he thinks that maybe this will be easier.
maybe, maybe, maybe. )
Okay. I'll see you later.
( that's all he has to say, all he can trust himself to say.
then he's leaving. walking away as briskly as his legs will take him. )